


i feel like i'm just treading water, is it the same for you?

by swimthewholeriogrande



Series: Call This Living [8]
Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Apologies, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, Minor Violence, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 14:10:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17726705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swimthewholeriogrande/pseuds/swimthewholeriogrande
Summary: Nine times out of ten, when Jake panics, he'll react submissively. It's that one time out of ten when people get hurt.





	i feel like i'm just treading water, is it the same for you?

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Antichrist by the 1975
> 
> By the way, there's a slight echo of a non-con incident that's referred to in a different part of the series, but it isn't explicitly stated at all, just wanted to make sure anyone who needs to be aware is aware!

It starts off with really small stuff.

Like, small enough that Jake doesn't even notice it. The first time is a week after he gets out, when he's eating cereal at the table (sugary and delicious and so unlike the bland prison porridge) and Amy goes to steal a bite with her spoon and he just - yanks the bowl away so hard milk spills over the edge. Something deep and unhappy inside him shrieks _mine_ , and then Jake blinks it away, disorientated. Amy just laughs and calls him a hogger, and the moment has passed - the slip-up unnoticed.

It only begins to manifest visibly a few months into his 'recovery process' as one of this therapists called it, when he's walking the delicate line between being full integrated back into normal life and sticking with institutionalised behaviours. He still writes it off - it's normal for him to shove playfully at Terry when he startles him, for example, even though it's not that playful anymore. It doesn't really affect anything, and he has too much to worry about, nightmares and flashbacks and triggers, to think hard about a little aggression.

Except.

Except then one day Boyle grabs for his elbow to get his attention when he's not expecting it and Jake's hand twists into a fist and Boyle half-winces like he really thinks - like he thinks Jake would ever, ever hurt him. Except Gina throws a paper plane at him and he hits it out of the air almost unconsciously, viciously, too hard, and it crumples against his desk. Except when he wakes up from bad dreams Amy sometimes has grooves in her arms from where he's fought are, and sometimes, she's holding him down.

It's still once in a blue moon. No one is ever hurt, and he ignores the boiling unease that sometimes jerks him into violent motion until it takes real effect.

He's getting changed after a shower, hair still dripping in his eyes, shirtless with only boxers on. He's bent over at a drawer, rummaging uselessly for matching socks, when suddenly there's a presence at his back and a familiar hand wiping the water off the back of his neck with habitual fondness.

"Hey, Jake."

_Hey, cop._

Jack's deep-brain decides to do what he couldn't then, what he should've. His body moves in a seize-like manner, whipping around and grabbing the person - the threat - by the shoulders. He shoves them into the wall, hard enough that they cry out, and pins them with his forearm against their collarbones. He's not helpless. He won't do this again.

The person struggles and winces. "Jake. Jake!"

There's a horrible, snarling noise coming from somewhere and it isn't until Jake feels the vibration of his chest that he realises it's coming from him. He feels a smaller hand on his shoulder, bracing him away like they're ready to push but don't, and he sees Amy's eyes bright and sharp and -

Amy.

Jake nearly throws himself on the ground in his scramble backwards, and his body burns. Amy stays by the wall for a moment; she presses against her sternum carefully and then looks at him. Her face is flushed with residual fear or shock or both, but her voice is steady.

"Jake -"

"Fuck." It sounds like a moan, like he's been shot, because that's what it feels like. "Amy. Amy."

She approaches him with her hands in front of her, the universal sign for peace - or defeat. "Breathe." she orders firmly. "I'm not hurt, Jake. Just breathe."

Jake has to back away, not wanting her to be in reach of his clearly violent hands. "No, Amy, no." he gabbles, "no, Amy, don't say that. Don't lie." He knows that she's stronger than him, knows she could probably throw him across the room. "Why didn't you - you should have kicked my ass, you still should -"

She is calm, but he doesn't know how far inward it extends, because she is gripping the bedpost so hard it might snap. "I wouldn't do that." she tells him softly. "It was a flashback, Jake. That wasn't me, was it?"

He shudders, a full body movement from his toes to his still-wet hair. He's still half-naked, for Christ's sake. "It wasn't you, but it was me." He has to make her understand to keep her safe. "I did that."

Amy's face is gentle, and he does not deserve it. "That's not you, Jake. You're not well."

Jake hugs his arms around himself, still not wanting to touch her. "I hurt -"

"It's alright." She undoes a button on her blouse and shows him the faint redness, and it kills him to see it, but he knows it will barely bruise. "I held you back, mostly. It'll be gone in a day or two."

He swallows hard. "I am so, so sorry," he tells her, and his voice cracks and catches. Amy lets go of the bed post and smiles at him, a little sadly.

"I know, babe. Apology accepted." Her grip on the bedpost loosens. "Still, Jake, this is - probably something you should talk about at your next session."

"Definitely." Jake finally moves to her and touches her cheek, letting her rest her head in his hand - trusting him with the world he doesn't deserve. "I'll fix it, Ames, I swear. This won't happen again."

Amy hums into his palm. "If it doea I really will kick your ass." she says lightly, and he lets himself laugh a little, stroking his thumb over the arch of her cheekbone, the sharp side of her jaw.

"I love you," she tells him then, and Jake's fear of that dark furious thing in him subsides - if only for that one moment of bliss.


End file.
